Ye shall know them by their FRUITS. . . every good tree bringeth forth good FRUIT; but a CORRUPT tree bringeth forth EVIL fruit. . . Wherefore by their FRUITS ye shall KNOW them."

All right, hands up who's seen the movie Galaxy Quest? Ah, a fair few of you I see. OK, you can read on… those of you who haven't seen Galaxy Quest (and you should because it rocks somewhat) perhaps you should see the movie before you read on, as I am about to give away the McGuffin. The McGuffin of a film is the object or notion about which the movie revolves (look it up on a Hitchcock page). All seen the movie? Good.

In "Galaxy Quest", the McGuffin is the notion that a race of aliens have bugger all concept of fiction. They monitor Earth TV, specifically "Galaxy Quest" (an old TV programme based transparently on Star Trek) and think it is real.

The recent furore about the Harry Potter Books is not unlike the aliens in Galaxy Quest. The Fundamentalist Christian Right (funny how you never hear about the Christian Left...) appear to have zero concept of fiction. They have attacked the books of J K Rowling, imputing that Ms R is the handmaiden of Lucifer, and that her books are inspired by the Horned One.

The Harry Potter books, which concern the adventures of a boy with special powers, have captured adults and children alike. This could lead to them embracing witchcraft, the Fundamentalists claim. But what of this book they want kids to read in its stead, the Holy Bible? In the spirit of the Biblical saying "Judge not, lest ye be judged", I have chosen to read this Bible from cover to cover, and also to watch several of the movies which were based upon it.

This book is not just a bunch of exciting adventures involving a boy, his broom, and various witches and wizards. Christians, with their zero concept of fiction, have a near-religious acceptance of the stories of the Bible, a book which is clearly a tad far-fetched. In fact this book is clearly designed to recruit it's readership into the cult of Christianity, which is based around the character of Jesus Christ, also a boy with special powers whose antics have captivated adults and children, etc., but this is where the similarity ends.

Down the ages, the aforementioned "cult" has been the cause of wars, bigotry, oppression, ritual human sacrifice, and people not being able to do much of anything on the weekend.

The first Jesus Christ book was called the New Testament, and was the sequel to an earlier blockbuster, The Old Testament. This first book, though popular, didn't catch on so much as it's successor due to the central character (an all-powerful being called "God" who can talk through clouds) being far too nebulous for the mass readership to identify with.

The second half introduced Jesus Christ, and it was this volume which captured the mass market. The two books are most readily available in an omnibus edition called The Holy Bible, which has been translated into many different languages with varying success.

The Old Testament concerns the plight of the Jews, who as the "good guys" get to speak in American accents in the various movies which have been made (the Romans, Philistines, Samaritans and similar bad guys speak in English accents, as does The Devil, who is the chief Bad Guy of the Bible).

In the Old Testament, the God character talks to a man called Moses through a cloud and tells him to go to the top of the mountain and bring down his "commandments" which are written on rocks. These forbade certain acts called "sins". Some examples of these 'sins' are 'Do not kill' and 'Do not steal', which are all very legitimate morals. However, another example is 'Do not covet thy neighbour's wife" which is phrased in such a way as to suggest that a wife is a mere chattel alongside an ox and an ass...

The dictionary definition of covet is 'To feel blameworthy desire for that which is another's.' I'm no feminist, but I reckon the aforementioned, plus the notion that a menstruating woman should be shunned, and that a woman is unclean for seven days after bearing a male child, two weeks after bearing a female, might possibly have had a bad influence.

Quite frankly, the Old Testament, already bogged down by lack of a central character ("God", being omnipresent, can hardly really be called "central") gets further bogged down by more preposterous "laws". One chapter, Leviticus, tells us that it is "an abomination" for a man to lie with another man, which is a belief still widely held by many Bible enthusiasts. However, there is nothing in the Bible that forbids the coveting of your neighbour’s husband, provided you are not said husband’s neighbour's wife. Thus you can harbour homosexual feelings about your neighbour, as long as you don’t do anything about it. Except that thinking about things is as bad as doing them. Presumably it is OK for a woman to lie with another woman, especially if a man walks in half way through and yea verily, there is Turkish heavy metal wah wah pedal music. All this could easily confuse a stupid person.

When citing Leviticus' aforementioned passage about men lying down with men its advocates usually neglect to mention the surrounding proscriptions, which include various rules re: sideburns and beards (you got to have 'em), tattoos are forbidden, as are seeing your uncle naked, breeding one type of cattle with another, eating various birds such as the pelican and the bat, and... get this... you should never at any time or under any circumstances, wear two different types of cloth at the same time!

I meantersay, have you seen the Pope lately? You could lose counts of the number of cloths on his back at any one time, and he may well be partial to a bit of pelican too for all I know. Since he appears to have deemed it OK to publicly flaunt one Biblical pronouncement and commonly wears as many cloths as he chooses, he may one day decide it's ok for us all to lie down with whomsoever we choose, or even that uncles are entirely presentable in the buff. Someone should seek papal clarification about all this; I bet no one has ever asked him.

The Old Testament isn't as popular as the New Testament, with its tales of a boy with special powers called Jesus Christ whose adventures have captivated children and adults alike, etc. The New Testament is like Star Wars or Superman in that Jesus, raised by his mother Mary and his step father Joseph, finds out that his real father is the "God" entity featured in the previous book. It is this that gives him his enormous powers.

He uses the powers to combat the forces of evil, i.e. the Romans who speak In English accents. Eventually the Romans track down Jesus and kill him. In a bizarre cinematic twist, Jews (who used to speak in American accents in The Old Testament movies) now speak in Jewish accents, though on joining Jesus they gain American accents. Eventually Pontius Pilate (Dave Bowie) arranges for Jesus to be nailed to a cross. While he is up there God speaks through a cloud saying, "This here is my one begotten son".

With acute psychological insight, the well-known science-fiction author Kilgore Trout ("The Gospel From Space") has suggested that this makes the message at the heart of Christianity one of "before you pick on a low down bum make damn sure he is not well-connected", the subtext of God's cloud-talking being one of "you sure picked on the wrong guy this time".

And sure 'nuff they have picked on the wrong guy as Jesus then comes back to life again with the help of his dad. For some odd reason, Christians go round telling people that Jesus died for our sins, whereas he is clearly depicted as coming back to life in the book, and is alive eternally (try telling a Christian he’s dead and see what happens).

This is an archetypal adolescent power fantasy which (like X -Men) many kids can identify with. Some people who read of Jesus' adventures identify so strongly with him that they say things like "I'm so glad I've read these books because now I want to be a Christian". But Christianity is a greater danger to our children than Communism, masturbation, and marijuana put together.

One example of the strife caused by this cult is the situation in Northern Ireland. An ongoing theosophical dispute between two Christian factions, Catholics and Protestants, has often escalated into bloodshed. Not only is this contrary to the Biblical commandment "thou shalt not kill" but members of both subsects often wear paramilitary uniform alongside balaclava helmets which are clearly made from a different sort of cloth.

The 'Catholic' sect of the 'Christian' cult believe they are untouchable in the eyes of their omnipotent God as long as they tell him what they've been up to. This is known in sect circles as 'confessing' to your 'sins', the laws of God (see above). Upon "confessing" (via a Shamanic Entity called a priest) the Catholics believe you are instantly absolved of all blame, i.e. anything you do is OK as long as you remember to tell this 'God' individual all about it.

Notable historic Catholics include Al Capone, Jon Gotti, Frank Sinatra, Lucky Luciano, and all of the famous Kennedy family.

The rival "Protestants" were formed so that King Henry VIII of England (who was a right bastard to the Welsh) could get divorced without having to cut his wife's head off (divorce being forbidden by the Catholics, who had previously ran the show). Famous protestants include William Of Orange, Charles Manson, Peter Sutcliffe and Phil Collins.

Advocates of the Jesus Christ books say they "clearly depict good and evil", but not clearly enough, it seems. The literary world of the Jesus Christ series gives few hints of how damaging Christianity can actually be. It is a world with real good and evil, and Jesus is definitely on the side of light fighting the 'dark powers'. If you leave out some of the more dramatic fictional manifestations such as his being the Son Of God, the literary witchcraft of the "Jesus Christ series" actually does resemble the communications and beliefs of contemporary books such as "Harry Potter".

One of Harry Potter's adventures concerns a magic goblet. Among the many myths surrounding Jesus is that of the search for a magic goblet called The Holy Grail.

Sixth-graders in Santa Rosa, California, ride their "broomsticks" in daily games of "Quidditch" adapted from the magical airborne game played by Harry Potter and his classmates at Hogwart's School for witches and wizards. Catholics play a curious game based on what Jesus once did at a party, drinking wine and eating wafers, which they pretend are the blood and body of Jesus Christ.

Christians believe that we non-believers will go to a place called Hell, where we will suck the Devil's corkscrew penis throughout all eternity. In the Harry Potter books, Muggles (the people who either don't like or don't believe in witchcraft and wizardry) are generally left alone.

The adversary in the Bible, Satan, is the inspiration behind the Harry Potter books. However Lord Voldemort is in no way implicated in the popularity of the Bible, even though this is the more likely of the two scenarios.

Unlike the aliens in Galaxy Quest or Christians I actually have a concept of fiction. I don’t hold with book-banning, but going by the logic and rules of their own arguments, are we not led to the inescapable conclusion that we should discourage children from reading any books that promote Christian doctrine, and not just the Bible?

In the 4th Century AD the Greek Philosopher Hypatia was stoned to death by Christians who felt threatened by her scholarship, learning, and depth of scientific knowledge. I have no fear of similar reprisals as I have attempted to stone my own self to death on many occasions and I appear to be immune.

(* "4th century philosopher stoned to death by Christian mob" was a clue in yesterday's Daily Mirror quizword... I read it in Sainsbury's caff, thought of the last bit then, but had to wait till today's paper to find out the answer. Funny how these things happen along isn't it?)