Captain Beefheart's 10 Commandments of Guitar Playing
Kindly sent to me by 'Sikora1'. With corrections and additional information from Brian Hassett.
Budding guitarists take note.
1. Listen to the birds
That's where all the music comes from. Birds know everything about how
it should sound and where that sound should come from. And watch hummingbirds.
They fly really fast, but a lot of times they aren't going anywhere.
2. Your guitar is not really a guitar
Your guitar is a divining rod. Use it to find spirits in the other world
and bring them over. A guitar is also a fishing rod. If you're good,
you'll land a big one.
3. Practice in front of a bush
Wait until the moon is out, then go outside, eat a multi-grained bread
and play your guitar to a bush. If the bush doesn't shake, eat another
piece of bread.
4. Walk with the devil
Old Delta blues players referred to guitar amplifiers as the "devil
box." And they were right. You have to be an equal opportunity employer
in terms of who you're brining over from the other side. Electricity
attracts devils and demons. Other instruments attract other spirits.
An acoustic guitar attracts Casper. A mandolin attracts Wendy. But an
electric guitar attracts Beelzebub.
5. If you're guilty of thinking, you're out
If your brain is part of the process, you're missing it. You should
play like a drowning man, struggling to reach shore. If you can trap
that feeling, then you have something that is fur bearing.
6. Never point your guitar at anyone
Your instrument has more clout than lightning. Just hit a big chord
then run outside to hear it. But make sure you are not standing in an
open field.
7. Always carry a church key
That's your key-man clause. Like One String Sam. He's one. He was a
Detroit street musician who played in the fifties on a homemade instrument.
His song "I Need a Hundred Dollars" is warm pie. Another key to the
church is Hubert Sumlin, Howlin' Wolf's guitar player. He just stands
there like the Statue of Liberty — making you want to look up her
dress the whole time to see how he's doing it.
8. Don't wipe the sweat off your instrument
You need that stink on there. Then you have to get that stink onto your
music.
9. Keep your guitar in a dark place
When you're not playing your guitar, cover it and keep it
in a dark place. If you don't play your guitar for more than a day,
be sure you put a saucer of water in with it.
10. You gotta have a hood for your engine
Keep that hat on. A hat is a pressure cooker. If you have a roof on
your house, the hot air can't escape. Even a lima bean has to have a
piece of wet paper around it to make it grow.
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This sound advice can be found in the book Rolling Stone's Alt-Rock-A-Rama (1996) which includes an article written by John McCormick about Moris Tepper.
